Total Eclipse of the Heart
by sammie503
Summary: One- shot. During New Moon Edward neglected to mention that he did check up on Bella once. What happened when he arrived? Why didn’t he tell Bella once he did come back to stay?


**Author's Notes: **Hey there friends, I was walking my dog last night listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart when this popped into my head because the song is like, PERFECT for New Moon. When I first figured that out, I seriously bawled so hard when I was once again, walking my dog. My neighbors must think I'm depressed, I'm always crying. Anyway, if you've never heard the song Total Eclipse of the Heart, I highly recommend it, especially for this story.

**Disclaimers: **I do not own anything. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Lyrics belong to Bonnie Tyler.

And away we go:

I sat on the couch with Charlie. I didn't remember sitting with him. I did everything automatically these days, without thought, emotion, or interest. It didn't bother me much. If I didn't think about what I was doing, nothing affected me. Charlie's steady breath told me he had fallen asleep. I shook his shoulder, worried that if he slept on the couch he'd hurt his back. I might not care about myself but I cared about Charlie. If at all, I lived for him now.

"Thanks Bells.." he mumbled into my shoulder as I helped him up the stairs to his room. I rolled him onto the bed and covered him up with his quilt. He fell back into his slumber easily and I watched him for a minute. Standing over him, I felt like the mother again. I'd done this a few times with Renee before, it wasn't totally out of the ordinary. One thing was for sure, Charlie wouldn't be checking up on me tonight.

"Goodnight Dad." I turned to leave but didn't know where to go. I should go to bed, it was almost past midnight, but I wasn't tired. It was strange, usually I went straight to sleep and stayed in that mode for a good long time on weekends. It was Sunday morning now but I was wide awake. I went to my room and glanced out the window.

Just like I'd hoped, it wasn't raining tonight. My window was open, like it always was. Every night this week Charlie had come in while I slept and closed the window but tonight he wouldn't. I opened it as far as it would go, out of habit and stubbornness. Though dry, it was still cold outside. I grabbed a sweatshirt and my jacket before pulling on some jeans and my sneakers. Charlie was asleep, the house was quiet, I was restless and nobody would miss me. I grabbed my Ipod and sneaked downstairs, heading outside for a midnight walk.

I closed the door behind me and turned on the Ipod. I hadn't used it in a long time, music wasn't a part of my life anymore but I didn't think I could take the quiet and stillness of the night. Not now. Not now that I was alone. I pressed play and the first song started. Usually I would've known what it was and started singing along but it'd been so long I had forgotten what was on the device.

_Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart _

I didn't pay attention to the words, though I heard them perfectly. I walked down the street, wandering. I didn't have a destination but I vaguely walked in the direction of the town's center. I stuck to the side of the road in case of cars, though I wouldn't check for them. I just didn't care enough.

_Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart _

The words were all I could hear. Any car honking would be lost in the tune. I finally recognized the song; it was an old favorite of mine. _Total Eclipse of the Heart _by Bonnie Tyler. The lyrics seemed familiar in a different way. I knew the words fine, but there was a distinct feeling of recognition. As if they had new meaning now. I turned up the music and listened to the lyrics, singing along softly.

_And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever _

_And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight _

Edward's face popped up involuntarily in my mind. His perfect face, hair, smile. And he was smiling. He was looking at me like he loved me. Which I knew was impossible, my mind was just being cruel to me. Self torture and what not. "Edward." I whimpered despite myself.

_Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart _

Tears ran down my face when I realized the song was exactly how I was feeling. I found my voice getting stronger though, singing harder. I walked faster too without noticing.

_Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround, every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be Turnaround, but every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am Turnaround, every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you Turnaround, every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight Well be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong together _

I felt the wind slapping my face. I pulled up my hood to protect myself but walked on through it. Tears streaked my face bitterly. I was lucky it was late, if anybody saw me they would surely tell Charlie. The whole town knew about me and my 'condition'. I was depressed, so what? What was it to them besides gossip? I just worried about Charlie. I tried to keep it together for him. "E-Edward."

_We can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Forever's gonna start tonight Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Nothing I can do _

_A total eclipse of the heart _

_Once upon a time there was light in my life But now there's only love in the dark Nothing I can say A total eclipse of the heart_

_A total eclipse of the heart_

_A total eclipse of the heart_

The song ended and I sobbed into my hands. My body shook violently. I crouched down to steady myself. A streetlight was right above me, making me feel on display. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. The giant gaping whole in my chest was ripping open and burning at the sides. This burn was worse than any other I'd ever felt. Worse than a curling iron burn, than an oven burn, even worse than a vampire bite's burn. It was the burn of loss. Loss of one's self and love. I yanked my earphones off and stuffed the Ipod in my pocket. I slowly lifted myself back up as I steadied my breathing. My arms remained around me, holding myself together. I turned slowly back to my house. I walked slow and deliberate, telling myself over and over not to run into the street, hoping for a passing car to hit me. Even as that thought crossed my mind, it sounded way too tempting. I had to push that out of my mind or I might do something stupid. Yes, God forbid _I_ do anything stupid. I walked back home thinking of golden eyes and bronze hair. When I entered my room I walked to the window and pushed it down angrily. It slammed, shaking the glass. I went to bed and covered up. It only took a few seconds for me to hop up again and open it as far as it would go.

In my dream that night, Edward talked to me.

**Edward's Point of View**

I didn't know what I was doing here. It was stupid, tempting, selfish and masochistic. It would only hurt me further, to see her. To see her face in my mind over and over again, and not only in my mind, but in the family's as well. That's why I had to leave. I couldn't take my self hate with all of their pity and hurt too. I told myself I would make this quick. Pop in, make sure she was safe and leave again. Leave. My frozen self burned. I hurt worse than I ever had before. I wanted to curl up and die without my Bella.

But what if she wasn't my Bella anymore? That had me thinking down a very dangerous path. I couldn't stop myself though.

What if she was miserable? What would I do? I had to stay strong. I couldn't just walk back in to help her. To sooth her pain. It would only hurt us worse when I had to leave again. Leave. I cringed at the thought.

But what if she wasn't in pain? What if she wasn't mine anymore? What if she's moved on? What if, what if, what if..

I don't know what I'd do if I found her with somebody else. Sharing her bed with somebody that isn't me? Kissing, hugging, holding somebody that isn't me? No, I couldn't take that, even though that's what I wanted for her right? No. Yes. No. I want to kidnap her and take her far away from everything. I want to be human with her. I want to be normal. Damn being a vampire -no pun intended- I want to be with Bella. My Bella.

I walked at human speed to the side of Bella's house. I could see her window and I felt a surge of happiness when I saw it open wide. I jumped softly into the tree outside her window to peer in and see if she was asleep. She wasn't there. I jumped in the window quietly and searched. She was gone. But where? Was she okay? Was she safe? Where the hell was she? I jumped back outside and followed her scent, ignoring the venom that pooled in my mouth. She was… walking? Outside at midnight? By herself…? Yes, she was definitely alone, but why? Was she sneaking out to meet someone? That wasn't my Bella..

I was only running for a few seconds before I saw her. My body filled with love when I heard her singing. Her voice sounded thick and heavy though, with… sorrow? Was she crying too? I could smell the tears from my spot in the trees. I walked slowly, watching her as long as I could. Taking in everything move she made and every word she said.

"Once upon a t-time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total ec-clipse of the heart. Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark. N-nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the h-heart." she sobbed. It took everything I had to not rush forward and calm her.

My arms ached for her. I wanted her touch, her breath, her warmth. She was so close yet so far from me. Way, way too far. I wanted to run forward and close that distance. I wanted to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I wanted to grovel until she accepted me back into her heart.

But I couldn't.

She sounded like she wanted to die, but I wouldn't kill her by staying with her. My world was too dangerous for her. It didn't have to be her world too. It wouldn't. "Edward." she whispered. I panicked, had she seen me? No, she was still turned away. My heart shattered at the pain in her voice. I never wanted to hear her say my name like that. I could still hear the pain in my head. It played it over and over like torment.

She continued to sob and I watched. I felt horrible not only because I couldn't comfort her, and not only because I had caused this pain, but because I felt joy that she wasn't out here meeting someone. I was so happy that she was still mine. It was wrong, and sick, and twisted, but I was so happy. I could see her face, watch her move and hear her heartbeat. Yes, I was happy yet immensely depressed. It was torture. I needed her. "E-Edward." she mumbled. This time I heard the same pain and suffering, but a little bit of love. She still loved me.

"Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark…" she cried harder and my heart felt crushed. It was breaking all over again. I loved her so much and it killed me to see her like this. Finally she reached the streetlamp where her face was illuminated for me. I could see it all. She was perfect, even when crying. She collapsed down, holding herself tightly. I was like a stab in the gut to see it. I turned away, cringing. I felt a tearless sob building up in me as well. Eventually I fell to the ground too, only somebody was there for me. Not that I was expecting it.

"Edward." Alice whispered. "Shhh, come here." Alice's arms were around me in a second. I felt so huge in her tiny little arms but she didn't mind. She sat down next to me, even getting her clothes muddy for me. I lay my head on her an sobbed as quietly as possible. Alice was the only one who I could so this in front of. I knew she wouldn't hold it against me and understood. Though she was frustrated that I had made everyone leave, she cared about Bella almost as much as I do. She missed her too. I could tell that Alice wanted to go comfort Bella.

"Edward you listen to me." Alice was serious and she pulled my pathetic face up to look at her. "Now this was your idea. Either you stick to your decision or you don't. Obviously I'd prefer if you didn't but I won't interfere. Either go to her, help her up and tell her you love her, or don't. Your being stupid. She loves you, that's obvious. You love her." Alice's voice broke. "I love both of you and I hate seeing you like this. Please, rethink this Edward. I don't know if you understand what you did."

"Don't understand?" I whispered harshly. Alice flinched back. "Of course I don't understand. I don't understand why you can have Jasper, Emmett can have Rosalie and Carlisle can have Esme but I can't have Bella. It's not understandable and it's not fair. Why can't I be with the one I love without putting her in danger? Because I won't do that Alice, I won't."

Alice was shaking with sobs now too. Jasper was going to be angry with me if he hears about this.

"I know Edward." she whispered. There was no way Bella would hear us. "It isn't fair, not at all."

With that she didn't say another word. She held my hand as I stood back up, helping her. We watched Bella together silently get herself up and walk back home crying. She sobbed tiredly. When she got home I waited in the tree outside her window. She stomped into the room and slammed the window shut. I almost fell out of the tree. Was she shutting me out? Was she trying to rid herself of me and all hope? It was probably healthier for her to do but that didn't stop the hurt from filling me.

I was about to leave when I heard her get back up out of bed and open the window again as far as it would go. Alice sat next to me and laughed under her breath.

"Good old Bella." she breathed. I smiled.

"My Bella." And with that, I jumped into the room where Bella was already fast asleep.

"Edward." she mumbled. I couldn't keep the grin off my face. "I love you Edward. Don't leave."

My heart ached. I kneeled down beside her bed carefully and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"I'll always be with you Bella. I love you, but you have to move on. You can't love me anymore." I urged desperately. I was so mixed up. I wanted her to love me, but I didn't. I had some serious problems.

"No." she commanded sharply. "I love you."

I sighed, frustrated. Always so stubborn.

"No you don't." I tried weakly, knowing it wouldn't work.

"Yes. I love you." she replied. I gave up, stroking her hand softly, careful not to wake her. She breathed evenly, mumbling my name every now and then. I stayed with her all night, Alice had gone hunting from the sounds of her thoughts to give me time with Bella alone. But once it started to get light, I had to escape to the woods. It was a Sunday morning, the weekend, but Bella woke up early when Charlie did. She got up, got dressed, and went downstairs to make him breakfast.

"Good night last night." Charlie mentioned. Bella nodded from her place at the table. I was in the trees where I could see perfectly into their house. Bella was acting, pretending to be normal but failing of course. Charlie watched her with worried eyes.

"I didn't hear you screaming."

"Yep."

"No nightmares?"

"Nope. Not last night." she mumbled, taking another bite of her cereal. Her expression changed then into a curious look. I took a step back into the woods though she could never see me.

"Well that's good." Charlie approved. _Let's hope it stays that way. I hate hearing her scream, it kills me._

_Edward? Are you ready? _Alice's thoughts knocked me out of my daze. I unwillingly looked away from Bella to answer her.

"Not really."

_I'm sorry. Are you sure you want to leave her? We can call the family and come back. You know she'll forgive you._ Alice prompted. I shook my head. No, this was healthier for her. She was safer. Soon, she'd be happier.

"Okay." Alice held out her hand for mine. I didn't respond so she came forward and took mine in hers. "Goodbye Bella. I love you."

She shouted it, though not loud enough for Bella or Charlie to hear. I glared at her for a second before turning back to the house. Bella was at the sink, washing off her bowl.

"I love you Bella, forever." I whispered. Alice squeezed my hand before running off, dragging me with her. I wanted to die.

If only it were that simple.


End file.
